Another day

It was another day in which the reality that J’s really gone hit me even harder than it did yesterday.

Chloe was especially helpful and wonderful. She let me cry for a bit. I tell you, I see her really blossoming and coming into her own and it’s SO lovely to see. We were always very close until she started high school and it worried me that she became very withdrawn and depressed for a number of years. I’m so happy that the “real Chloe” is returning to me.

But I’m also just really, really sad that J’s gone. It’s like I try to stay busy and sound positive when I talk to people but the moment I’m alone with my thoughts, everything comes flooding back in.

I had some good events today. I talked to my uncle for about an hour and a half. Learned a lot about my family history. I couldn’t help but notice how many members of my family experienced losses, including of their children. It explained a lot—and also reminded me that suffering is just part of life. It feels unbearable but you have to go on anyway.

A very generous friend of mine offered to pay for Dyl’s tuition for one class and I am so honored and grateful. But I’m also wondering if I should still try to reach out to the A&M alumni orgs to see if any of them can help instead. My friend has some big money problems of her own and while her offer is extremely generous, I might want to see if I can source other help to take the burden off of her.

J’s employer also started a memorial fund via GoFundMe and that really touched me, too.

It’s like I have all these conflicting emotions right now. I’m so grateful for all the help, so truly and deeply.

But the fact of the matter is that grieving in itself is a full-time job and it’s just beginning.

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