Reality starts to set in

I actually had a pretty decent day. I got a lot done and made a lot of phone calls. My SIL’s husband came over to trim the hedges in my front yard. My SIL and her friend brought over dinner to us but only stayed for about 15 minutes. There’s obviously still some underlying tension there but we both agreed to give it some time to blow over. We said our goodbyes and I genuinely thanked her for all that she did for us.

She’s leaving tomorrow morning, a day earlier than planned, which I’m sure is mostly due to the conflict between me and my kids and my MIL.

Meanwhile, my kids are more resolved than ever to go no contact (NC) with MIL after the funeral. In truth, that really won’t change much—she doesn’t contact them and only sends cards for birthdays and Christmas.

As for what I’m going to do about her, I still don’t know. She probably won’t contact me much either (and in fact, rarely even contacted J.) But I keep thinking about the fact that she called me on her trip down here, asking how I was doing and telling me that J was so worried about me. I know she has that tiny shred of humanity in her, which makes me reluctant to go NC with her.

But then I also consider the facts that she showed no regret for how she treated J for pretty much his entire life, and she never once offered to help with anything at all in the past week. Never once said she was sorry for my loss, let alone offering any financial help (despite the fact of her sitting on over a half-million dollars that she gained from her mom’s death and Denny’s parents’ death, in addition to her own very sizable retirement savings.)

I’m also worried that although J had a slightly bigger life insurance policy than I expected, the company they used is not very well-reputed at all. I found a whole bunch of things online that said that they’re pretty notorious for denying claims and basically doing anything they can to get out of paying.

I’m really counting on getting that life insurance payment, to be honest. If I do get it, I think I’ll get by just fine. But if I don’t—or even if it stretches into multiple months of waiting—things could get pretty dicey pretty quickly. I’m trying so hard not to think about that but I admit that it’s weighing heavily on me.

I also reread the final letter J wrote to me. It’s really sweet but it’s also really sad. And I just broke down in tears reading it. Dammit, he really should still be here with me! Garbage humans like Trump just get to keep on living, while the man I was married to tried hard every day to be like Jesus in action was taken from me before even his 50th birthday.

It’s not fucking fair.

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