I’m definitely not ready

I know: similar title to the last post. But sitting with this isn’t making it any easier. If anything, it’s making it harder.

I see J struggling to breathe and not able to get any sleep and it just keeps me in a constant state of worry about him. It makes it extremely hard to sleep. Last night, I crashed so hard that I didn’t wake up until 4 pm. Chloe had to knock on my door to rouse me. And my immediate thought was of J and wondering if he was okay.

I feel SO fucking guilty that I need so much sleep. I wish I could put that need on pause for a few months, when (sadly) I will be able to get as much sleep as I want forever.

I want to be able to power through and not need the extra rest. I want to spend every moment with J, especially because I know how soon I won’t ever get those opportunities again and I will kick myself for every moment I wasted.

I always used to say that I could get through anything in life except losing J. And now I have to do just that and I have no idea how.

His hospice bed is going to be delivered next week and it will be in the living room. I told him last night that I would probably set up camp on the sofa to sleep by him. He said I wouldn’t get any sleep then (which is accurate) so if I did that, he’d have the hospital bed set up in our bedroom instead.

I know he’s doing this to try to help me get a minimum of sleep to protect my health, which is very noble and sacrificial of him. But I also don’t want him to do it. I want to say fuck sleep, fuck my health, just let me soak up every last second of time with him that I can. Because far too soon, I won’t have those opportunities anymore, and I honestly can’t even bear that thought.

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