I’m not ready for this

I am increasingly realizing that I really don’t have the means or the emotional tools to get through this.

My husband is going to need me to fight for him bright and early on Monday morning. His oncologist wants to keep him on chemo and I just see that as an increasingly poor choice.

I know a lot of his symptoms now are due to pneumonia, which is obviously going to make anyone very sick.

But what I don’t know is if the pneumonia is even really treatable because he has the malignant fluid in his lungs. I guess I’ll ask the doctor about that on Monday.

What I do know is that he’s in no shape to get chemo this week, no matter what his oncologist says.

What he needs is adequate pain relief and his doctor is very unlikely to give it to him.

And I don’t know if it’s just because of the pneumonia or not but it feels like his condition is touch and go already. I’m afraid to sleep because I don’t know if he’ll be waking me up again to take him back to the hospital.

I helped him take his blood pressure and use the pulse oximeter before I could finally go to bed and both were in acceptable ranges, although his blood pressure was pretty high still.

I am just thoroughly convinced that his oncologist is going to try to persuade him into taking more chemo. The chemo clearly isn’t doing the trick anymore, though.

I am more and more convinced that hospice is the way to go, to salvage what time he has left. He was eating so well when his pain was well-controlled in the hospital and now it’s not.

Listening for sounds that he might be taking a turn for the worse has me constantly on guard. And that’s to say nothing of how he’s doing. He’s obviously suffering a lot right now.

I just want his suffering to be over and for him to have a few good days left. If he stays on the chemo track, I don’t think he will.

I have to fight for him and get the help he deserves. The man I have loved for my whole entire adult life deserves so much better than this.

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