Dark thoughts

I was thinking about it a lot yesterday and I have become relatively convinced that I think J is on the downward spiral.

That doesn’t mean that I have given up hope or that I think all is lost. But it does mean that I finally had a bit of a wake-up call about how things really look and it’s not good.

The fact that Norco has stopped working to alleviate much of his pain seems to suggest to me that the pain has gotten worse. If the cancer has progressed (which we’ll probably know more about after his appointment on the 27th) it would make sense why he’s in a lot more pain now.

I don’t know what his oncologist will recommend as a next step if his cancer isn’t responding to this treatment. I know he mentioned another drug before, but he also told me that if the first drug doesn’t work, the second one is unlikely to work, either.

And that comes down to the point of how long and how much he should suffer during treatment itself. If the doctor says it only has a small chance of working, does it make sense to keep suffering from the treatment? I guess that’s a question only J can answer for himself.

And I know that he wants to feel like he’s done everything possible to stick around for me and the kids, which is so incredibly touching and admirable. But I also see how much he’s suffering and I don’t want to keep putting him through that.

If it’s a matter of months either way and the most time he can buy is a couple more months, I’m not so sure it’s worth it.

Yes, I want more time with him—I’ll always want more time! But what I want more of are the times that now mostly seem to be behind us, especially. It’s hard to explain without sounding like an asshole but I don’t want more time if it’s going to cause him more suffering.

Because more than just selfishly wanting him here, I want him to be free of suffering. It would be horrible if I wanted him to stick around at any cost. There comes a point where you have to say enough is enough. I don’t know if we’re there yet but I’m becoming increasingly aware that that point may be coming in the next year.

Yes, I am absolutely terrified of trying to make it without him, both in general and in terms of what will happen if he dies before I’m eligible for his social security survivor benefits. But I foolishly have some small faith that things will work out somehow.

My current working plan is to try to save all the money I can and hopefully not have any lapse in expenses. But if I’m not able to do that, I’d fall on the mercy of my landlord and hope that he would be okay with partial rent payments until I get the life insurance money (which can take several months, from what I understand.)

Chloe will obviously need to be working but I think I have to practice interviews with her. She didn’t get hired at Starbucks, which she’s understandably taking as a blow to her self-confidence. I need to try to build that up as much as possible.

I want Dylan to stay in school, just because his prospects are so good upon graduating. But he may need to get a job while in school—and depending on how bad things get, I might need some financial help from him (rather than the other way around, as it has been.)

At least if he’s going by my disability income, he should get full Pell grants again.

I’m just spitballing, trying to find ways that we will be okay, even if J does die before I can get his survivor benefits.

I just don’t want the reason for my husband’s continued suffering to be to try to help me—and I do think he would do that. He has always put me and the kids first above himself and that has been such a profound gift to us.

But sooner or later, it’s time for him to rest. Only he knows when that will be. I just hope he doesn’t feel like I need him to keep going through more and more in the pursuit of trying to be here longer because he’s afraid of what will happen to me and the kids.