Pain and what it means

My husband is in a lot of pain lately and I don’t know what it means.

I know that when he can get chemo, he feels bad from that but his pain lessens for a week, almost two. But when he has to skip chemo because his immune system is too low, the pain and nausea both seem to get a lot worse.

The medications he has aren’t really helping either the pain or the nausea. I think it may be inevitable that he’ll have to ask for a stronger narcotic and I don’t know if they will give it to him.

I have to be honest: all this is making me feel very worried, like the end might be coming sooner than we thought.

He had to work from home yesterday and he might tomorrow as well. Luckily, his employer is very understanding about his cancer. Even someone in the executive level had a wife who survived cancer and J’s boss’ dad had cancer, too, so they’re all very understanding.

But I’m also very worried about my finances. I still (yes, still—ugh) have to report my earnings for the year to Social Security and I may be over the allowable limit. If I am, I’ll have to repay the difference, which may be as much as two months without a Social Security check.

If J dies before I’m 50, I don’t get survivor benefits for him until then. I used to think that for sure he would make it that long. But looking at him now, I’m not so sure anymore. I would have the life insurance money (hopefully) to get me through until I’m 50.

But I’m also looking at the very real possibility that he’ll have to go on either short- or long-term disability, which only covers 60% of his salary. I could probably make up the shortfall but it would be tight.

The fact remains that I am still living like he’ll be around a while but it’s becoming increasingly clear that he really might not be. And I have to adapt accordingly, which really affects my spending. I don’t know if I can really continue to send my son as much money every month. For now I can but for how long?

Can I really afford to buy as many treats for the kids or to opt for meals out? I think I really have to cut back and quickly.

Chloe really has to get a job, like yesterday. She’s a sweet girl but I honestly really need her to step up to the plate. Supporting her 100% isn’t really feasible anymore.

I’m buying stuff for them, especially my youngest, that isn’t really necessary. He may say he wants a case of Gatorade for the time he’s home on break but that’s not really a need. Similarly, I always take him grocery shopping before he goes back to school and pick up the tab. But maybe I have to rethink that.

I just feel like I really have to get my finances in order, as soon as possible. I don’t know how much longer my husband will get full paychecks.

And I really don’t know if I can even afford to stay here long-term. I really want to and my rent isn’t that much (for the area.) But I just suddenly feel like everything I’ve relied on is shifting underneath my feet and I don’t know how to get my bearings.

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