Sort of back on track

I had a startling realization yesterday that I haven’t taken my antidepressant in at least a week, possibly longer.

I know it sounds dumb but my prescription was to take 2 50mg pills a day and somehow the fact of having to take two made me much less likely to take them at all. So I contacted my psych NP and explained it and asked for a prescription of 100 mg pills, which she sent in and I’ll be able to get them tomorrow.

This whole experience feels kinda pathetic and embarrassing, to be honest. It makes me question whether my depressed mood in the past couple of weeks was real or just brought on by the absence of chemicals.

Yesterday, my husband got to go out to lunch, to a restaurant I’ve wanted to try for a while. I was so incredibly jealous because we haven’t eaten in a restaurant together since August. And I understood that he was only doing so because his boss took him and in any other circumstance, he would have declined because eating in a restaurant is so risky for him due to Covid.

I admit that I am freaking out pretty badly about Covid and the new variant. It just feels like it’s going to be inescapable either way and I feel like I am just waiting to find out that he got it or that I did.

He will obviously be at much greater risk of severe complications and even death if he gets it. But even I am worried about myself and how well I would survive contracting it. I just read an article last night of a (not yet peer-reviewed) study that said overweight people are much more likely to have serious complications and even death.

It was the NYT, so there were of course all the usual comments like “there goes McDonalds business…assuming we could ever get people to stop shoving cheeseburgers and Coke in their face.”

But despite the fact that I am considerably overweight, I don’t eat like that. I can’t remember the last time I ate at McDonalds and I never drink soda. I usually eat one meal a day, plus a Larabar and a fruit/veg smoothie. I’ve worked out the math before and most days, I consume well below 1,000 calories. I’m honestly not hungry for any more. But still my weight is pretty stable where it is.

Am I at risk of death from Covid because of my weight? And if so, how can I change it? It just feels impossible.

Honestly, everything about Covid feels pretty rotten. I want to go out and enjoy what are likely my final couple of years with J (if he’s lucky enough to have years, plural) and I can’t do anything because of Covid.

I had a breakdown sobbing fit yesterday and I don’t think much of it was caused by the absence of my antidepressants. Things are just really hard and crappy right now. For the most part, they’ve been crappy for the past two years. And I just don’t see any end in sight. I think we may have found the virus that we can’t outrun this time.

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