That holiday feeling

Christmas is a couple of weeks away and I have none of that holiday magic and I don’t even know what to do about it.

I don’t have any gift ideas for the kids yet (!!!) so I don’t have anything even ordered yet.

J wanted a combined birthday/Christmas gift and I already got it for him (with major thanks to Amy) so while that takes the effort out of it, it also takes all the fun and surprise out of it, too.

I ordered a pair of limited edition shoes and in my opinion they look really cool. But I told J he could just give those to me for Christmas so I already know what I’m getting, too. Not that Christmas has ever been a big surprise but this year there’s zero.

I want Christmas to feel magical like some other years have (mostly when either the kids were small or I was a kid) and this year isn’t going to be that way.

Part of it is that I don’t know if this will be J’s last Christmas with us and that just gives me this feeling of heaviness that is almost unbearable. I can’t even put that into words. It’s just too much.

And if it is his last Christmas with us, all the stress that I feel combined with the completely anticlimactic nature of it just doesn’t feel right.

Of course, I think he might be on chemo during Christmas, so it would have been sucky anyway. There’s just all this pressure that I feel to make things special and memorable and I don’t think there’s any way this Christmas can be special or memorable.

I was trying to tell him about how overwhelming everything feels right now and how much I need help. It was probably just unfortunate timing but he wasn’t even really listening to me; he was watching an Instagram video while I was talking and didn’t expect the sound to be on.

And I get that it’s probably not interesting at all to listen to me vent and he’s probably dealing with a lot of his own stuff right now too. But it just made me feel so incredibly alone.

I am so overwhelmed by everything right now and just wanted to feel like he heard me and cared. But instead it had the probably unintended effect of making me feel like I should just shut up and quit complaining. That ends up making me feel like I just have to try harder to bear all this and I am failing so miserably.

There really isn’t any guide book for what I’m going through. I honestly don’t have anywhere near enough “spoons” to get through this. But I feel like I have to suck it up and keep trying because I don’t have any alternative.

I just wish someone would clean and organize my bedroom and bathroom (as I look at the shower stall doors I’ve been meaning to clean for literally months now) and that Chloe had her own car so she could drive herself to all these appointments and that I could just sleep all these feelings away.

I don’t want to be feeling any of this stuff but I don’t have a choice. It’s just so heavy and it far exceeds my capacity to deal with it.

But every day I wake up and all this stuff is still there and I don’t know how to deal with any of it. How sad is it that I am actually looking forward to my colonoscopy (not the prep part, of course) because I will get to be under anesthesia and have a couple of hours when I don’t have to think about any of this stuff?

I just feel like everything is more than I can handle right now and I am such a colossal failure because it all feels like way too much. I want to be making the most of my time with J, especially because I don’t know how much there is left, and instead I am just a colossal wreck.

I just don’t want to feel like this anymore and I don’t know how to stop.

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