Crossing stuff off

I crossed like 5 things off my to-do list yesterday, so I guess that’s something.

I still have a lot more to do, of course. But I can’t let myself think too much about them or I will get overwhelmed again. Instead, I just need to revel in the sad victory of the 5 things I got done.

I realized that a lot of my feelings of being overwhelmed are actually rational feelings. I am on disability for a reason but I’m holding myself to a standard as though I’m not.

In truth, I’ve taken on many or even most of the things J used to do. I know that I was very lucky that he helped me to the extent that he did for as long as he did.

But the truth of the matter is that I am not so good at doing it by myself.

For one thing, I really need to start asking Chloe for more help. Part of that is hard because even though she says she’s willing to help, the reality of actually getting her to do it is much harder.

A lot of it is also just that trying to coordinate things with Dylan is way more time-consuming than I ever thought it would be (or seems like it should be, considering the fact that he’s in school 3 hours away.)

I have also realized that I’m getting very reluctant to ask J for help, in part because I don’t actually know what his limitations are. But like for example, he had a scheduling snafu with his chemo being scheduled for the same day as my colonoscopy. I can’t drive myself home from that.

But even though he got his chemo rescheduled so he can take me to my colonoscopy after all, I still felt guilty asking him to take me, since it will be the day after he gets disconnected from the chemo pump. I know what he’s usually like on those days and it just feels like I’m asking too much. (Especially because this time he will be on an immune-boosting injection for the first time and I don’t know how he’ll react to that.)

It’s not a question of whether or not he’ll get me to where I need to be but more of how much of a toll it will take on him to do it.

(That reminds me: I have to plan something for dinner that day that Chloe can cook because neither J or I will probably be up for cooking. But once again, it will still fall on me to figure out what that meal will be and to shop for the ingredients for it.)

I just feel like I need to make my needs for help smaller and smaller and simultaneously take more tasks on for myself. And I’m still really new to this (unfortunately) and it isn’t very easy yet. Will it ever get easier? I really can’t say.