What we had

Yesterday, I finished up with another rewatch of The Office. As an aside, I once read that people with anxiety prefer to rewatch shows they’ve already seen lots of times; the familiarity is comforting. I would certainly say that that’s true for me.

As I rewatched it to the end again, I do feel like my husband and I were like Pam and Jim. That seems to have changed a bit as the cancer takes over. He’s still incredibly sweet to me. Just last night, I had to take Dylan out for some last-minute shopping and mentioned that I still had to get our laundry folded.

When I got home with Dyl, my husband had already folded the laundry. Considering the fact that he’s just a couple of days out from chemo, that was a big deal.

I still remember what things were like between us when they were really good. Naturally, things have changed a bit lately. But when I crawl into bed, he still kisses me and calls me his little bird. And when he gets up for the day, he still kisses me on the forehead.

I don’t want to forget the sweetness of our relationship, even though it seems like it’s starting to fade.

I don’t want it to fade because I think I know what that will lead to. I am really, really not ready to think about losing him yet. But the fact remains that he spends a lot more of his time at home in some degree of misery.

I really have to challenge myself to hold on to the memories of when things were beautiful and good.

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