There are whole new firsts

I’m actually making most of our Thanksgiving dinner by myself, with some help from Dylan (who really loves to cook.)

Yes, it’s my secret shame that I’ve never done this before. I never had to; J always did it. But this year, he’s on chemo, and probably won’t even be up to eating much, let alone cooking it.

I’m also going to put up the Christmas tree tomorrow, with the kids’ help. Again, it’s something that J has always done, and it now falls to me. It’s really good to figure out how to do these things and I’m honestly pretty embarrassed that I’ve never done them before.

At the same time, though, I also feel kind of weird about having the torch passed to me. At least with the way things look right now, I’m not sure if J will ever be well enough again to take them back. And that’s really scary.

I feel like I can do these things, although they exhaust me. Amy and her boyfriend are coming over tomorrow and so is Dyl’s girlfriend. My house will be full and hopefully lively, even though my husband is going to be pretty out of it.

I’m kind of getting a glimpse of the future, and I don’t know how distant that future is right now. I don’t know if this is the last year I’ll have J around at the holidays or not. But just the fact that it very well could be the last brings up all kinds of feelings for which I don’t even have words.

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