Darkness falls

With a title like that, I should clarify that I am not currently super depressed. But I’m also not doing particularly well, either.

My husband’s health is really scaring me lately. He’s not doing especially well, though he says that’s just because he’s so off-schedule with his chemo because his ANC (a measure of his immune system) has caused him to miss a cycle. Or is it two that he’s missed? I’m not sure.

I know that he has a lot of pain in his knee (no one knows why) and pain in his side. The pain in his side might be related to his last surgery or it might be related to his kidneys swelling and pressing on his tumors.

I just know that he has to take Norco pretty much every day now, sometimes several times a day, and he says that it doesn’t work very well.

I’m trying to be optimistic and hopeful but it’s honestly really hard for me to do. Being optimistic sometimes feels like I’m trying to trick myself.

I wondered whether or not to put up the Christmas tree this year. J’s always done it and as the kids have gotten older, they show less interest in helping. And I thought that I had done more to decorate it last year but he doesn’t remember it that way. He said that last year “broke him,” which just made me feel so sad.

So I’ve already arranged with the kids for them to help me put it up over Thanksgiving. I don’t really know what I’m doing but I need to figure it out. I ordered some new ornaments and decorations, too.

It suddenly feels like what if this is his last Christmas with us? I certainly hope that it’s not and that when he goes in for his next scans in a couple of months, they will show that his cancer is responding really well to the treatment regimen he’s on now.

After all, this treatment regimen got him to NED status before, and maybe it will again.

But at the same time, he’s never been this sick and in this much pain before, either. I just want him back to the way he used to be and I don’t know if that’s going to happen.

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