More of the slog

I’m just trying to get through on a daily basis but that’s getting harder to do.

I have plenty of work, which I’m going to have to start asking them to send me less. I really hate to do that. But the problem is that the Social Security Administration is now watching me pretty closely and I don’t want to risk losing that.

I guess my parents were right when they said I didn’t want to do anything that might jeopardize my disability payments. After all, if I’m on disability, I’ll get my federal student loans forgiven (not the private ones though, of course) and I’ll get J’s survivor benefits at age 50.

I feel like I can do a bit more work than I am. But making enough that would be more than disability and survivor benefits would be way more than I could do. That makes me feel kind of trapped, to be honest.

Disability isn’t much. Medicare is not great either. And I’ll have to find a way to buy my own dental policy. But the thought of losing all of that is much scarier.

Lately, I’ve really been worried that J’s going to die. I hope this won’t be our last Christmas together but you never really know.

He said he’s not scared of dying and I’m really glad of that for him. But I’m scared that if I think of death as too peaceful, I won’t have the strength to go on.

I’m scared of trying to go on without him. I’m scared that I’ll have to move out of the place we’re renting now for lots of reasons—the biggest being that I don’t know if another place will rent to me. And also this house feels like home, since we’ve been here for more than 5 years already. Plus there’s also the fact that our landlord hasn’t raised our rent in that time and we’re now paying well below market rate.

Any time I think of having to move, I think about where else I would go. Obviously Michigan is out of the question. But with so much upheaval, I don’t want to go anywhere—at least not in the next few years. I want Dylan and Chloe to have this as their home base for as long as they need.

And maybe, hopefully, J will still be around. When Chloe officially changes her name and gender legally, she plans to get certified as a medical assistant. That’s not until next June, though.

And Dylan…well, his fate is still up in the air, too. I would love it if J lived long enough to see Dyl graduate from college. But right now, that doesn’t seem as probable as I thought it was a few months ago.

I know I have some resources available to me if things get really bad. Like Dylan mentioned that he might be able to move in with his girlfriend and her guardian if Chloe and I have to get a 2-bedroom apartment. But I really, really don’t want that. I want to keep my home for as long as I can.

I want to keep everything just how it is now, minus the amount of pain my husband’s in. And I’m really afraid that might not be possible.

There’s also the fact that I realized that I still have a spending problem, even though I’m not on the Abilify anymore. And I really, really need to learn how to live on much less than we earn.

I’ve got a budget program that’s supposed to solve everything but I haven’t had time to do it. I need to just find a way to get that done. Maybe that will help me feel like things are in control again. I already have more than what I need. I probably can’t really afford to keep helping people as much as I do, either.

I have to learn a tightened-down manner of existence now, before I have to do it for real.

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