It’s weird because my husband was doing a bit better yesterday and I finally got to talk to Dylan (after about 2 weeks of not doing so.) I should be calmer than ever right now but instead I’m even more anxious.
I am skilled enough at dealing with my anxiety to know that I’m not living in the present moment. Instead, I’m feeling very anxious about the future and what lies ahead for me.
I now can admit that I really, really want Dylan to drop out of A&M, take a semester off, then go back to school at UNT and live at home. That would make so many things better. But he has to come to that decision on his own.
I feel like I am overwhelmed with things to do already. I also have too many possessions and need to scale way back.
I want things around me to be more streamlined and organized. Basically, I just have to make the time to do that streamlining and organizing.
I think that a big part of that is feeling like this won’t be my home forever, like I need to start preparing now for when I’ll have to move out because I can no longer afford it here.
Since there isn’t really anything about J’s immediate health that makes me think about that, maybe it’s getting the letter from social security about having to keep my earnings low.
Or maybe I am more freaked out about my husband’s health than I want to admit. I feel like at any given moment he could die and then what would I do? It makes me feel like I need to go into survival mode now, which I actually don’t need to yet.
But how will I know when I do have to make that switch to survival mode? And will I be able to adjust in time? Knowing that the day is definitely coming but not knowing when is nerve wracking.