Trying to get through

My husband has not been doing well lately and it’s making me really worried.

He has really bad neutropenia, which essentially means that his immune system is dangerously low. He’s been fighting off a low-grade fever for a few days. I’ve been monitoring it closely because if his fever goes above 100.3, he has to go in to the hospital. Basically, if he contracts anything at all, it could potentially kill him.

I have to admit that I am taking this very seriously and it worries me a lot because I feel like he’s much too close to dying for my comfort level. I have anxiety on good days—this is almost more than I can bear.

Chloe finally applied at Starbucks yesterday. She took the initiative to do so herself, which I think was a crucial part of it. But a big part of her reasoning was seeing how sick J is and how worried I am about it. She said that she at least wants to be able to contribute enough money to cover some of her own expenses.

More importantly, we don’t need any financial help from her now, but she said that if we get to the point where we do, it would be a lot better if she were already working.

On a somewhat similar note, I just want to go pick up Dylan and bring him back home already. But I can’t really do that; it has to be his decision. I haven’t told him yet about J’s health. I did ask him by text last night if he wanted to be in the loop about my husband’s health but he hasn’t responded yet.

On the one hand, all of this worrying may be premature. It’s extremely stressful and is taking a major toll on my neurological health but it might not be indicative that he’s in the final, downward decline yet. In fact, we’re really hoping that taking this particular treatment regimen again will get him back to “no evidence of disease” status, like it did before.

At the same time, the side effects of the chemo itself are scary. Like the “bronchial thickening” in his lungs that makes him have horrible coughing fits all the time. I don’t know if that will ever go away or if he’ll have it for the rest of his life.

I really wish Dylan was home. Part of that is that I know he’s not particularly happy at school to begin with. And another big part is that I just want him closer. Having him be 3.5 hours away just feels like too much.

J did finally seem somewhat open to some of the complementary suggestions I made last weekend, in particular supplementing with a type of mushrooms that are supposed to boost the immune system. They’ve been used in conjunction with chemo in Japan and China for 30 years, so there’s a lot of information about them. He will have to talk to his oncologist first before he tries them and that will be a couple weeks away. I don’t have any reassurance that he’s really going to try them but this is the most open he’s been to any complementary medicine I’ve suggested. That itself gives me a small bit of hope.

Basically I am just trying to hang on by my fingernails and it doesn’t feel like I am able to do enough. I have so many things to do around the house and can’t get them all done. I’m really not holding up very well and I don’t know how to get myself out of this.

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