Break’s over

Well, I guess my “break” didn’t last very long; it’s already over. I have lots of deadlines this week.

I still feel really burned out and tired, though. I slept almost the whole day yesterday and still feel like I could sleep even more. I don’t honestly know when I will feel back to “normal” again. I have been this burned out before but have never before been in this state where I just can’t get enough rest.

My husband keeps telling me that I need 10-12 hours of sleep a night and I haven’t been getting that for at least a month. I don’t want to need so much sleep.

I know that needing more than eight hours of sleep a night isn’t normal. I know it’s associated with heart disease but I’ve had extensive work ups of my heart and it’s fine. I’m still scared anyway because I’m inching closer to the age when my mom had her heart attack (53.)

My husband keeps pointing out that I have two different types of leukodystrophy, which explain why I’m so tired. But honestly, a big part of me suspects that my mom has the same type of leukodystrophy and has never been diagnosed because the doctors in her town are so shitty. How do I know that heart disease isn’t also a symptom?

After all, her doctors didn’t find any of the telltale heart problems that are usually associated with heart attacks, so the fact that the doctors haven’t found anything wrong with my heart isn’t really that comforting.

Then again, I don’t know if I just have a bad case of health anxiety. I might be totally healthy (leukodystrophy aside.) But because not even my highly-qualified neurologist nor any of her colleagues have ever seen a case like mine before, none of us really know.

Having an extremely rare illness means that no one knows anything about what will happen to me. And sometimes that’s really terrifying. I guess all I can do is try to get more rest (as much as I hate it) and hope that I’ll start feeling better soon.

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