The answer is no

I got the answer about the job yesterday and I didn’t get it. Honestly, my main reaction for most of the day was just shock. I’m still shocked. Either I completely misinterpreted the interviewer’s reactions to me or someone else with more exact qualifications also wanted third shift. Since they were presumably (?) hiring more than one person for third shift, I don’t understand how I didn’t make the cut.

I’ll be honest that it’s making me question whether or not to become a therapist a little, just because this would have been such a strong sign that I should. It’s also making me wonder if I should still seriously consider moving out of the country when J’s gone.

But maybe there are no such signs from the universe right now, as much as I want there to be. I can tell when the universe is giving me signs; for example, I remember writing in the week between Christmas and New Years in 2012 that I would end up in Texas the following year, even though I had no idea how it would happen.

Sure enough, three months later, I was back in Texas and embarking on possibly the hardest but most rewarding thing I ever did.

And actually, I can tell that the universe is giving me very strong signs right now but I don’t like what they’re saying. Right now, all the signs are pointing to rest. I hate that, because I want to be super productive and I want to know that my future without J is settled and I’ll have a purpose and be able to take care of myself.

But my freelance work has slowed way down and I’m not getting more right now. I even had one client want me to do a bunch of work for them on Upwork and I haven’t even heard back a response to an important question I asked last Friday. Everything seems to be coming to a virtual halt right now. I think that I’m getting a pretty clear sign from the universe that now is not the time for me to be taking on a lot of work.

Honestly, I’m still really recovering from burnout and I’ve been burned out on freelancing for years. I don’t know if eventually I’ll recover from this and go back to freelancing again or if I’ll find some other as-yet-unknown way to earn money.

I just want to sleep and read and watch TV. Numb out. It’s like my brain and body are saying NO MORE and going on strike. I don’t know if I’ve ever experienced this before.

Meanwhile, I have another appointment with my psych tomorrow and I know she’ll want to put me on another drug in the same class as Abilify, and I’m not sure how I feel about that. For one thing, all drugs in that category have a shit-ton of side effects, some of which can be permanent even if you stop taking them.

And for another thing, I’m increasingly just not sure that I should be trying to medicate myself so that I don’t feel what’s really happening to me. Trying to be “happy” when my husband has cancer and the US is going to shit is actually a totally appropriate reaction, even though it’s not conducive to being a great worker bee.

Maybe I just need to really let myself feel the fact that things are pretty tough right now and stop trying to medicate it away.

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