A different focus

I had therapy yesterday and it was helpful. First off, my therapist wholeheartedly agreed with me that I should get off of disability if I can. My husband also agrees with me but it is so hard sometimes to break out of my “Michigan mind” (aka learned helplessness.)

I also realized how much I still allow myself to be swayed by my parents’ opinions. Both of them are adamant that I probably can’t work again and should just learn how to be happy with disability earnings and J’s survivor benefits after he turns 50. They say that if I’ve gotten disability, I shouldn’t give it up, because I might never get it back again.

But the thing is that I do still feel like there’s more that I can do. I just have to work with my sleep schedule, which rules out jobs that start in the morning. But I can be a therapist and offer evening hours. Many, many people find the fact that most therapists work standard business hours to be a bad thing.

I just feel like I have to fight and keep fighting to prove that I’m not permanently out of the game. My parents don’t understand that or why I want to keep working.

On another note, though, my therapist gave me “permission” to take some time off (as have J and Chloe.) I told her I didn’t know why I felt so incredibly unmotivated lately and she actually said, “Maybe you just need to rest and relax?”

And I was honestly kind of shocked to get that answer. I thought she would give me advice on how to buck up and push through it and she didn’t. She specifically said that if what I want to do is read or watch TV, I should just let myself.

So I had another fairly unproductive day yesterday, too. I’m still honestly struggling with being okay with that and not beating myself up for being lazy. I know intellectually that she’s right, that everyone needs time off sometimes. But letting myself do it and be okay with it is something else entirely.

She also said that when I have my appointment with psych on Wednesday, that I might not need to change my medication to get off Abilify. It’s keeping me pretty stable and the only downside is that I’m too free with spending money.

She (rightly) suspected that my spending is out of boredom and that if I get this job at the health insurance company, I’ll be too busy to be bored and the problem will resolve itself. But that is also a dangerous gamble.

I realized that I may not hear whether or not I’ve gotten the job for several more weeks, though. They’re hiring EAP coordinators in advance of getting a big new client at the first of the year and training will be about a month, so the job itself probably wouldn’t start until December.

I still really, really hope that I get it and that I can hang in there for a month of training on first shift. I know it will be challenging for me but I believe I can do it.

5 Comments

  1. If it helps, I’ve the same inability to rest, and that’s one of the main reasons I’m STILL struggling to recover more than 2 years after burning out completely from my last job. I’m being forced to rest and I still struggle to do so!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It does help a bit to know that I’m not the only one going through this. Honestly I have been so burned out for so long that I don’t even know when I can expect to recover.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I don’t know either. I looked into the latest clinical research recently since pop culture focuses on short term burnout.

        It can take more than 7 years, more than 12 years even …even with professional help. This kind of long-term clinical burnout is usually due to years of chronic high stress in various environments, not just work.

        People who burnout like that… we push on until our body forces us to stop.

        Liked by 1 person

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