The apology

He said it with a dozen red roses, proving that not everything good about our relationship has been a lie.

He said he was wrong to say that I wasn’t showing him any support and that he knows we just have different approaches to medicine.

I’m not exactly sure how the disagreement happened and I’m not sure he is, either. But the important thing I guess is that he realized he was treating me unfairly.

He did also say that he wants to spend more time together, even if it’s just watching TV together for a couple hours a night. That’s something we used to do most nights before his cancer diagnosis that we haven’t really done since and I miss it, too. So maybe that will help.

He’s going to be getting a bonus next spring and he thinks we should travel with it, which I am all for. At first, he suggested Ecuador because I’ve mentioned it so often as a future destination. But I think Puerto Vallarta is a better destination, so I hope we can go there together.

I checked plane tickets tonight and they were only $400 each. 😳 I’ve read a lot of things about how Mexico is easier for expats to assimilate to than Ecuador. And that makes me feel a little excited.

I am so burned out that it’s not even funny. Between being responsible for most meals (Chloe’s promise of doing it once or twice a week hasn’t panned out and instead she maybe does it once every 2-3 weeks), washing the dishes, and scooping and changing the cat boxes, that is all stuff I’m doing now that J used to regularly help with.

But I’m also trying to manage all of Chloe’s appointments and referrals (plus getting her to them), all my own appointments and referrals, grocery shopping, returns and shipping stuff, taking care of vet visits, paying the bills, keeping up several times a day with how Dylan’s doing (more on that in a minute), plus working and trying to get more clients—it all just feels like a lot.

I tell myself that it’s not that much and minimize my own efforts. Maybe it’s just that I don’t have enough “spoons” but it really does feel like too much.

As for Dyl, J and I had a long phone call with him last night and I think (hope) it helped him. He’s still having a really tough time. He said that if just one factor was different—like he didn’t have to sleep on a loft bed or had a cat around, he might feel better. But he continues to feel miserable and the mama instinct in me wants to go get him right now.

I think I struck a chord with him and showed that I really get it when I said that lately I’ve been so busy that it feels like I don’t even have time to breathe, let alone do anything for myself that I enjoy. He really related to that.

As of right now, he is trying to make it through the semester and then he’ll decide from there, but he’s thinking he might not want to enroll for next semester. He wants a “gap year”—or even just a couple of months—to try to get his physical and mental health back in order and to decide where to go from there.

He’s discovered (unfortunately) that he has some pretty significant anxiety issues, as well as the stomach problems that everyone in J’s family and all our kids have (except for me.) I know that the stomach problems tend to be cyclical but as long as he’s under so much stress, they probably won’t completely go away.

Interestingly, though, I think he’s learned a very valuable lesson from this experience: money isn’t everything.

He’s on track to get a 6-figure job as soon as he graduates. But he also knows that if he does, he’s going to have this same kind of pressure and time commitment for the foreseeable future; it won’t end with graduation. And he’s realizing that maybe it’s too much for him to handle.

He always used to say that he wanted to make 6 figures, pay off his student loans as early as possible, save a lot of money, and then retire early. Now that he’s realizing what that would ask of him, he’s thinking it may be too much.

On the one hand, I feel kinda disappointed. He’s the only one of us who ever really had that kind of potential to do it.

But on the other hand, he’s still our kid and we’ve always taught him that there were more important things in life than money.

So I guess his future is kinda up in the air. I don’t know if he’ll come home and take a semester off, then live at home and go to one of the local universities (we have so many!) I admit, selfishly, that I would love to have him at home again. He’s such a great kid and I miss him.

I think the hardest thing is going to be convincing him not to be too hard on himself if he doesn’t stick it out. I think I’ll have some work to do in that regard.

But he thanked me for being so understanding about the fact that it doesn’t seem to be working out. And I was like of course. The entire rest of his life isn’t going to be determined by whether he stays there or not. I couldn’t stress that enough.

He’s a brilliant kid with a lot to offer and there’s more than one way to be successful.

Leave a Comment

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s