Unsettled

My future is completely unsettled and I don’t know what to do about it. Frankly, I’m freaking the fuck out over so many things right now.

On the one hand, I thought for sure that I’d want to go to grad school to become a therapist. Dreams of being able to support myself and have better healthcare than Medicare got me pretty carried away.

On the other hand, I’m not even sure that I want to stay in the US after J’s gone, in which case having a degree and US licensure would be worthless.

I’ve been feeling really down about the fact I had a great first interview for a counseling-adjacent EAP advocate on third shift and even though I was told I’d be referred for a second interview, I haven’t been. I’m most likely assuming that this is yet another job I just won’t get.

But maybe there’s like some guiding hand of the universe at work here and maybe I’m not getting hired because I’m not supposed to give up my disability.

I’m so, so mentally exhausted and overwhelmed. I can’t even get the work done that I have to do. For the first time in forever, I just left the dirty dishes in the kitchen last night. I also have a ton of stuff I want to list on eBay and again, I didn’t get that done either.

It’s like everything within me is rebelling against doing any real work. But I feel incredibly guilty because I know I do have productive, paying work to do.

I talked to my husband yesterday about what I wrote about wondering if he would consider taking a more holistic approach to healing. Not in terms of taking crockpot cures like Laetrile but like meditation, improving our diets, and getting more exercise.

He actually got mad at me. I can’t think of the last time that happened. Actually, yes I can, and it was many months ago. That time, I was clearly in the wrong and apologized.

He said that he wants me to be “on his side” in terms of what treatments he chooses. He also mentioned that his mom is taking a similar stance as I am. He just wants me to put all my faith in the medical community since that’s the way he’s chosen.

And honestly, that’s really tough for me—almost like asking me to be someone else. I do believe in mainstream medicine to a point; as an example, I got my flu shot yesterday (which I never did before he got cancer and I’m not sure I would now if he didn’t have cancer.)

I understand that he’s probably scared and wants to feel like someone supports his decisions. Which I do, in the sense of respecting his autonomy over himself.

But if I had cancer, particularly stage IV, having watched what chemo has done to him, I don’t think I would be as pro-chemo as I was before we began this journey.

He is getting sicker, just as I suspected he was, ever since his surgery last February. But what’s making him sicker is largely effects of the chemo itself. I just find that such a hard thing to be a cheerleader about. It very much seems like he’s trading quantity for quality of life and that makes me so incredibly sad.

Of course, if he embraced natural cures and they didn’t work either, I know he’d never forgive me and I wouldn’t forgive myself either.

So instead, I feel like I’m just watching the beginning of the downward slope and there’s not a damn thing I can do about it.

I hope he’ll survive long enough for Dyl to get through college, since he’s having such a tough time already.

Maybe it’s just reflective of a super bleak mental state on my part but I honestly don’t see that we’ll have too many good times ahead of us. It just seems like it shouldn’t have to be this way. But it is and I just have to try to accept it. Our lives are essentially over and he’s not even 50 yet.

But I still have many years left (I hope) and I don’t know what to do with them.

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