I don’t know why but I’ve been thinking lately about trying to buy a house again. The prices have come down a bit and there aren’t as many bidding wars as there were a few months ago.

We still have the money from that erroneous tax return, which would be enough to qualify us for an FHA loan. I logged in to the IRS website and they don’t show any record of my amended return, which I submitted 8 months ago. They originally said it would take 4 months to process it so…I don’t know.

I know they’ll eventually figure it out and ask for that money back. It’s just so tempting to buy a house with it.

I know part of it is that I want stability, at a time when there isn’t much to be had. We are very lucky to have our current place with our current landlord. We have plenty of space and by now below-market rent.

And there are also two other important factors. One is that I really don’t think my landlord would kick us out if J was in the active process of dying from cancer. The other is that I don’t know what the future holds and if I’d want to stay here or would need to move to Dallas (though I suppose that’s less of a worry since the housing market here is so strong.)

On a related note (maybe), I’m realizing that I have to think more positively about my husband’s cancer. It’s hard to do because his chronic cough since February is most likely caused by the chemo.

I’m not sure what that means, to be honest. If the “bronchial thickening” in his lungs is making him cough constantly, will the chemo keep making the thickening get worse? Will it eventually be side effects of the chemo itself that leads to his death?

Ugh, I can’t think about this. He believes that if he quits taking chemo, he’ll die within 2 years.

I’m trying to focus my energies on an alternate reality, one in which he might not die that soon if he quits chemo. I would like to see what would happen if we overhauled our diets together and if he took some supplements—instead of chemo. But I would really need his buy-in on that and I don’t think I’ll get it.

But I’m also seeing the side effects of the chemo itself and I’m not so sure he would have more than a couple of years even if he stays on chemo. Of course, that’s assuming that the side effects like the bronchial thickening will continue to get worse. Maybe they won’t.

I just feel like maybe we could go all-in with natural treatments and he might have the same lifespan (or even longer.) The chemo seems like it’s less of a good thing now that it’s causing other health problems.

I just want him to have a good quality of life and it doesn’t seem like chemo is giving that to him. But ultimately, it’s his choice to make and I’m pretty sure he has more faith in the doctors than in his ability to heal himself. Nothing I can say will change that.

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