Just a bad dream

I keep thinking that one day, I’ll wake up and find out that J’s cancer diagnosis is all a bad dream. But the thing is that I know it’s not.

We were talking yesterday and he acknowledged for the first time (at least to me) that he probably doesn’t think he really has 12 more years, to reference his arbitrary timetable.

Instead, he’s setting a goal to make it four more years because then I would be eligible to receive his social security survivor benefits. And that just made me so incredibly sad, that even down to the timing of his death, he’s still thinking about what would be best for me.

I told him so and he said that at least in most of Christianity, there is always the lover and the beloved. I can’t change my role as the beloved.

What I do know, however, is that I will never be loved this well again. This really is a once-in-a-lifetime kind of love and yes, I do know how good I have it.

Would I want to trade a lesser love for one that lasted my whole life? I don’t know. All I do know is that I don’t want him to die and all the wishing in the world isn’t going to make that so.

I’ve also decided that I just can’t go back to grad school while he’s still alive. I don’t want to take the time away from him. And honestly, I don’t feel capable of doing it right now anyway. Maybe I will at some future date when he’s gone but I don’t now.

I know that I’m dealing with a lot of rebound depression now that I’m trying to taper down off the Abilify again. I also just feel so tired and apathetic, which I know is because of his cancer. It seems like it shouldn’t be but it’s really draining on me too.

Right now, I just can’t kick ass, no matter how much I want to. Just getting through every day is often challenging and traumatic enough without any extras on top of it.

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