So tired

I’m suddenly SO tired. Not just in the way that means I need to sleep but in the sense that everything is weighing me down.

I’m questioning whether or not I can ever do grad school. Getting a couple less hours of sleep last night meant that I was functioning at a much less than optimal level today.

Functioning at this lower level makes me doubt myself incredibly and wonder if maybe all I’m doing now is all I’ll ever be capable of. That’s an incredibly depressing thought.

It’s like I used up all my “spoons” yesterday and then some, so I was borrowing against today’s spoons. Then, getting less sleep was already starting me at a deficit today.

I know that normal, healthy people don’t deal with this and that I am not a normal, healthy person.

What I don’t know is how much this limits me. I’d like to think that it doesn’t but I know otherwise. On the one hand, I know that I can still kick ass a lot when I need to. But on the other hand, I kinda need to now and I can’t. I just want to rest.

I know that part of it is that I am super burned out on freelancing. I’ve applied for several writing jobs and haven’t gotten them. Newsweek passed up the opportunity to interview me further, so I didn’t get that job, either.

I’ve tried picking up several little extra freelance jobs and haven’t been able to finish about half of them. I feel panicked because my primary freelance client cut my work by about a third. Because they pay pretty well, I’ll definitely feel that. I want to try to save money and can’t exactly do that with a third less of my income.

I don’t know if it’s that I can’t do anything or just that I can’t do freelancing. These articles should only take about an hour to write each one and often I can’t even finish them. I don’t know if that’s unconsciously sabotaging myself because the ones I haven’t been able to finish pay less than half what my primary client does.

I know I can be a good writer. But I also feel like that ability is evasive. I wouldn’t say it’s slipping away but I also don’t feel like I’m getting better the way I should be.

I feel like I need a major career change and I think being a therapist would be a good fit. But whether or not I can get through the program remains to be seen.

Right now, I think I’m so worried about losing J that it’s blocking a whole lot of my energy and I don’t know what to do about it.

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