Indecision

I have decided for sure that I’m going to grad school to become a therapist—or at least, I’m going to try it. The real question, though, is when I want to do it.

I’ve decided that to begin, I’m only going to go part time so that I don’t get kicked off of disability.

But there are still two concerns I have to meditate on for a while: my husband’s health and whether or not I should keep doing my freelance work while in school.

Honestly, I’ve ramped up my freelance work and I hate it. I had five articles to do today and I had to review and revise a college application essay. Ultimately, I only got three of the articles done and the college essay. I just felt like I didn’t have the attention span to do any more and I kept thinking about other things that I would rather be doing instead (namely, cleaning my house, getting my Halloween decor put up, and using the treadmill.)

I don’t know if this is a problem with my time management or if I just don’t care enough about my freelance work. More specifically, I don’t know if the same thing will happen when I’ve got grad school assignments to do.

Right now, I kinda don’t think I could do part-time school plus part-time freelancing, even though I did it when I got my undergrad degree. And again, I don’t know if that’s a “me” problem or a sign that I shouldn’t be freelancing or what.

Obviously, if it’s a sign that I shouldn’t be freelancing, then the sooner I start working on my exit strategy, the better.

But then there’s also the factor of my husband’s health to consider. If his new treatment regimen gets him back to NED status, then there’s no reason to wait on going back to school.

But there’s also the unknown, the question of what if it doesn’t help him reach NED again and this is the real downward slope? I really hate to think about that but it is my possible reality.

If he gets sicker and I’m in the middle of a semester, I’ll probably have to drop my classes.

Then again, if I sit around not taking classes because of my fear of him getting sicker, I’m just losing potentially valuable time.

I wish I could somehow know the state he’ll be in and predict the future. I think that’s one of the hardest parts of being a cancer spouse: I don’t want to miss valuable time with him but I also don’t want to put my other goals on hold until he dies.

Mostly I just really don’t want him to die at all but we don’t always get what we want.

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