I’m trying to keep myself distracted from my husband’s first round this time of the more aggressive chemo. He had some close calls yesterday and I am nervous about how hard it will be for him this weekend.

So I met up with my alter ego yesterday and it was everything I hoped it would be. We have so much in common. It was just a fairly brief meeting—maybe 15 minutes or so—but already it felt like I had known her for a million years. And I got to give her lots of hugs, which is super great, especially in this time of Covid when hugs from friends are much more rare.

I had an idea last night about adopting a foster child. There are so many kids out there who need homes. I was looking through the list of kids waiting for homes and it broke my heart. Much like with kittens, I just want to rescue them all. I specifically want to adopt a teenager because that’s the age of child I’m best with.

But then all the reasons occurred to me why it wouldn’t be good to adopt a foster child right now—namely, my husband’s cancer. Not only does that disrupt our family life now, I couldn’t imagine how hard it would be for a foster child to experience the eventual loss of a father figure.

Not to mention that I’ll be tending to my own kids at that time and trying to make sure they’re okay. Plus, if how I reacted to the loss of my cat Cammy is any indication, I probably won’t be a stellar parent at that time.

Part of it is also the sinking realization that being back on Abilify is already making me feel too impulsive and spend too freely again. I’m SO frustrated and disappointed by that because it helps me so much otherwise.

Something interesting, though, is that this time, a lot more of my spending is to help other people. In other circumstances, where we had the money to spend freely without worry, this is the kind of person I’d love to be.

But in further proof (completely unnecessary by now) that you always get rewarded somehow for helping others, someone decided to sponsor me for the Nate Postlethwait course on how to heal from your childhood.

I’m a little intimidated by it but I also know it’s work that I need to do on myself. I’ve been exploring work on my inner child and I know that a lot of my issues come from there. I’m ready to take another step toward healing.

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