Holding patterns

I’m just sitting here, waiting for something to happen. But I don’t even know if they will be positive changes. I just know that I want things to change, need things to change, but the universe is essentially telling me to cool my heels. And I find that very annoying.

Maybe it’s the fact that Mercury is in retrograde right now, which logically and based on science, shouldn’t alter a damn thing. Yet it often does anyway and this time is no exception.

My work is slowing down a bit and I don’t know if I should just enjoy the time or if I should be pushing harder to get new opportunities.

I don’t know if my work is slowing down because I’m going to have more going on at home. If so, that’s kind of scary.

J and I talked a bit yesterday about whether or not this is the downward slope of the rollercoaster for him. We can’t really know, at least not until he talks to his oncologist and possibly some other specialists.

Still, it looks to be at least possible that all the “unrelated” issues he’s had might actually be related to the cancer, just as I thought they were. And that’s actually really terrifying.

If he needs to go on short-term disability soon, for example, now is NOT a good time for my work to slow down because he would only get partial income.

But that’s in the catastrophizing category and I have to assume that some way, somehow, we’d make it through, even if I can’t see it now.

He’s so zen about his impending death, whenever it happens. He says he’s already dealt with all the fears and stuff. I, on the other hand, have not.

I still feel traumatized and horrified that this is really happening. I don’t see how I could feel any other way. It’s just not fucking fair, dammit!

On a different but still related note, I don’t know if I should cut off all contact with my parents. It wouldn’t be to hurt them (though I’m sure it would have that effect…eventually, when they finally noticed) but to protect myself from them.

My conversation with my dad the other day was very enlightening and unfortunately it proved that they’re not going to be a good source of emotional support for me, especially as things get tougher to deal with J’s health. (Of course they’re not.)

I don’t really feel like stirring up any drama. I know that if I don’t text them, they won’t text me, either, so the problem may resolve itself.

It just really, really sucks that all of a sudden I feel like I’m at the lowest points of my childhood again and they’re still nowhere to be found.

It’s kinda ironic in a way because my therapist gave me inner child exercises to do and I immediately recoiled from them. She suggested to find a picture of myself at a younger age and tell it the things I needed to hear and didn’t. I am so uncomfortable with even seeing the picture, let alone telling anything nice to younger me.

My parents gave me a copy of my school picture when I was in second or third grade (I guess they didn’t want it anymore.) When I see that picture, all I see is deep sadness. But my parents think I was “cute.”

They didn’t know me then and they still don’t know me now. Most of the time I’m fine with that but when I’m facing the early loss of my husband, I just can’t deal with it.

They may not know how to be what I need and I get that. I just don’t know how much contact I should have with them during the most difficult points of my life. They’ve proven so far that they’ll only make it worse.

1 Comment

  1. Whatever you decide about no contact or low contact, it’ll be difficult. You’re not alone in it. A lot of people in my Facebook groups (not necessarily mental health groups but progressive groups) wrestle with major decisions like this. Your well-being is important. If they can’t be supportive, they should not be dismissive.

    Liked by 1 person

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