Updates on my son

We’re going down to see him tomorrow, which was already planned. I bought him some stuff for a care package and ended up buying so much that to ship it would cost the same as paying for gas to go down there. Since it’s my husband’s week off of chemo, he readily agreed to go along.

It will be good to see my son. I miss him a lot.

I’m going to take him some medication I take for anxiety and see if it helps relieve his constant nausea. If it works, he might be able to stick it out.

At the same time, though, I am also nervous about him being there. They had a student Covid death this week, which is really freaking me out. I asked him “what the Covid situation is like” and he said it seems to be getting better. I didn’t tell him that I knew otherwise.

But I’m also telling myself that one student death out of 68,000 students (!!) isn’t really that many.

I am torn between wanting him to come home and take a “gap year” like his siblings did and wanting him to stay on track for a really good career. Ultimately, he’s the only one who can make that decision, so I just have to sit back and wait for him to make it.

I do have an appointment to talk to someone in the dean’s office on Monday about whether he can withdraw due to mental health without financial penalty. I’m also going to ask if he can defer his acceptance until next year, though I’m not sure if he’d want to go back.

He wants a gap year, yes, but he also feels like he’s too far away from home. That won’t be any different in a year. And we have lots of great universities in our local area where he could go instead.

I guess I’m just kind of in limbo while we wait for answers. He’s also got an appointment with the counseling center in two weeks (the soonest they could get him in.)

Meanwhile, I’m still getting more “spoons” and I’ve started chipping away at cleaning up a lot of the stuff I neglected while my health was suffering.

I still don’t know yet what to do about work. I applied for a job at Newsweek and actually got a request to schedule an interview (!!)—and I missed it. They actually sent the request two days ago and wanted to interview me on Thursday or Friday. I sent them an apology and asked if they would still be willing to do it Monday or Tuesday. But I’m figuring I probably lost out on that one.

I’m starting to feel like maybe, just maybe, I might be well enough again to get off disability. But maybe I don’t want to. And maybe feeling well is just temporary or at least that I’m not that much better.

Like everything else lately, I’m stuck in a holding pattern and trying to make the best of it.

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