I realized something really important last night while I was exercising. (I’m already back to exercising for an hour at a time and it feels so good.)
I have to plan for what I’m going to do without J.
Two of my three kids are now out of the house. I have also made some significant changes so I no longer need nearly as much sleep.
What this all means is that I have to figure out what the next phase of my life will be. I can’t just sit around and wait for J to die.
It actually feels weird to think intentionally about what else I want from life, almost like it’s disloyal to him to have plans for after he’s gone. But I have to spend some time figuring out what else I want.
My kids don’t need as much from me anymore; they’re pursuing their own big new plans. I’m there to provide emotional support (and some financial support, in the case of my youngest.) But they have picked up their own batons to run their own races.
Now I need to figure out what I want to do. Do I want to think about moving somewhere else someday and if so, where? Do I want to leave myself open to the possibility of remarriage someday? Maybe not everyone would be garbage.
Do I want to become a therapist? Do I still want to be a writer? What would make me feel like I’ve come alive again? I’ve spent so much time mourning the fact that my husband will die early that I haven’t really even thought about the fact that I won’t.
I may not want to continue without him but I’m going to, like it or not. What kinds of things do I want to be in my future?