Friends

So it doesn’t look like my instant friendship with my doppelgänger panned out. That’s okay, really. Just knowing there’s someone else out there going through the same thing I am is helpful but sadly probably not that unusual, either.

On the other hand, my suicidal ideation was so, so bad yesterday. I reached out to the only person who would truly understand how deep suicidal ideation can go.

It was the same male friend I wrote about a few months ago, back when we had discussed our mutual attraction. We hadn’t really talked a lot since then, since I told him that I felt like we had discussed too much for it to be cool in my marriage.

But the fact remains that this particular friend is literally the only other human I have contact with who knows about the intensity of suicidal ideation, so overwhelming that you can barely even breathe through it.

Talking to him got me through it. I am sure my husband will be jealous that I talked to my friend anyway, even though it was strictly platonic.

To be honest, I actually *wish* that there would be a romantic future with this friend once J’s gone, if for no other reason than that I wouldn’t ever have to be alone.

But that is not going to be the case and I know there won’t be any shortcuts to escape my overwhelming grief. I am going to have to feel that in all of its horrible, life-changing ways.

I’m going to have to learn how to be alone, probably for a very long time (if not the rest of my life.)

In the meantime, my extreme drowsiness is getting much better and I’m not sleeping as much, which is a good thing. But the bad thing is that my income is being gradually reduced from my freelance work.

I have to try to find clients again and I know how to do it. I’m not excited about the timing but life is what it is.

I am reading the sequel to the book I read to change my mindset to see more possibilities— I read the original to get me motivated to move down here and now I’m reading the sequel. I started exercising again and it boosted my endorphins so much that I’m going to keep it up.

Life still looks pretty bleak; I can’t lie. This is overall not a fun time to live through. But at least I feel like it might be worth sticking around for it, which is something.

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