Getting by

I’m hanging in there, I guess.

I had a really rough weekend with a lot of suicidal ideation. So I started back on Abilify and so far it’s keeping the suicidal thoughts at bay.

My oldest daughter is moving out starting on Thursday. I previously thought it wouldn’t be until Sunday. I’m surprisingly okay with it for several reasons.

One is that she turns 24 in two months, so it doesn’t feel early at all. Another thing is that I rarely see her as it is, even though she’s currently living here. And finally, I know this is kinda petty but she and her boyfriend are huge contributors to the mess level in the house, and they do the least to clean up after themselves.

I’ve kinda been on a Hoarders-inspired cleaning binge for a few days. A lot of the mess I can’t currently clean up is actually her stuff, so I’m hoping to keep making good progress on cleaning and decluttering.

It’s also kinda interesting that like many of the people on Hoarders, some of my biggest piles of junk are things I want to sell. In my case, I know they’re things that will sell and I know about how much money I’ll get from them, so it’s not like I’m one of those people with literal crap and refusing to part with it “because that stuff will earn money.”

But at the same time, I’m also eyeing it really warily and giving myself a time frame for selling it before I’ll just donate it. To be honest, a big part of me just wants to donate it all now, just to get rid of it.

On that note, I’m doing really well with not buying more stuff (especially compared to how I was before.) I am aware and truly get it now that everything I don’t spend is money that I can save instead. I really want to save money.

And even more than that, I’ve just finally reached a point where I don’t want more “stuff.” I am clearing out my bedroom closet and bedroom in particular and I am realizing that I don’t like it being so cluttered.

I might just have to go through with a trash bag soon and say screw it, I’m not going to wait to try to sell this, and just get rid of all of it.

To be honest, I see a little of myself in the people on Hoarders and I really want to do everything I can to prevent ever getting that bad.


  1. skinnyhobbit says:

    You’re doing good. I’m not quite sure how to word this, I obviously aren’t your parent to praise you. I want to convey I wholeheartedly want to encourage you.

    People who hoard to that kind of level usually have some kind of trauma behind why they hoard. Know people who are – pest infested or not etc. Even in a dense city with the housing government body and social services, its pretty hard to clean up the apartment units.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Holly says:

      I am afraid of becoming one of those people, especially after I lose my husband. I need to get it under control now.

      Liked by 1 person

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