The bleaks

TW: suicidal ideation

When we get a bad case of deep, dark depression, my oldest daughter and I refer to it as “the bleaks.” And I’m definitely there right now.

It got so bad that I took an Abilify tonight in hopes that it will help me as I try to adjust to my other new medications. Tomorrow, I may try exercising.

I don’t know how to get out of this, honestly. It’s been a long time since I felt this bad.

My youngest is away at school. While I’ve still been in touch with him briefly every day, it doesn’t feel the same between us anymore.

I took my oldest daughter out to get supplies for her new apartment (which she moves into next weekend) and spent $300. We had a decent time together but nothing really warm or cuddly either.

I just don’t see the point of going on anymore. My husband is going to die in the next few years and then I’ll be all alone. That doesn’t sound like fun.

My state is turning into a horror show and I feel stuck here. Climate change is rapidly accelerating and I don’t know what the future will be like. I do feel like nobody wants to do anything about it, so it’s just going to keep getting worse. People who are poor, like I will be, are just going to keep suffering. There’s no real effort to help anyone who falls through the cracks like I will.

The only thing I am holding on to is the fact that I know my kids all have depression too and it will obviously be hard enough on them to lose their dad at a young age. I feel like I have to stick around and try to salvage what’s left of my life for their sake. But damnit, it’s so painfully hard sometimes just to keep breathing.

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