Adjusting…and thinking about the future

We’re slowly getting used to life without Dylan here, although it still feels weird and empty.

On the bright side, I told Adam that I really miss getting hugs since Dyl moved out, and they have been really good about giving me more hugs. Maybe we’ll come through this time closer together.

I remember that as recently as 7 years ago, Adam used to do things like calling me back into his room and saying that they didn’t want anything, they just wanted to say that they loved me. Maybe that level of closeness isn’t possible again but maybe we can find something new.

In general, I’m kind of in a funk, though, which I guess is to be expected.

I found out today that the 25-year-old Army veteran son of a classmate of mine died of Covid. He wasn’t vaccinated, of course—they thought that surely because he was so young and healthy, he wasn’t at risk.

To be honest, I got to thinking again about whether I’d want to leave the country after I lose J. On the one hand, I see that as being very lonely, even lonelier than I’ll be already. And I don’t think I would like being without my suburban conveniences.

But on the other hand, I don’t have much hope for the U.S. in the coming decades. I don’t know if we’ll gradually slide into an even more politicized environment or if the roughly 35 percent of the people who want authoritarianism will win. If either of those things happen, I don’t see myself wanting to stay here.

Sometimes—and I know this sounds horrible because he’s trying so hard to stay here— I almost envy the fact that J won’t be around to see everything go to shit here.

But of course, if he were around, it would be a lot easier to get through the shitty parts of the future. Kind of a Catch 22.

I don’t know if my best shot to make it is just to move to a different country when he’s gone. But where will my kids be? I don’t want to leave them.

Maybe the best I can hope for is that one of them will want to move somewhere that’s good for me, too.

All I know is that right now, I feel kind of lost and adrift. I wish I could think of something profitable to do with my time but for now I’m just stuck.

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