What now?

Dylan’s away at college. I was in touch with him twice yesterday, so it doesn’t feel like we’re losing our connection yet. He’s having a bit of a rough time because his roommate isn’t there yet and most of the activities he goes to on campus have kids who already know each other.

I’m trying to bolster his spirits, reminding him that most of the people who already know each other are probably from older classes and that there are probably a lot of other freshmen in the same boat as him.

I’m reminding him that he’ll meet a lot more people once classes start and am encouraging him to stretch outside of his comfort zone and join some clubs. He says he’s already found a few that look promising. I’m reminding him that people will like him. (As a family of introverts, that’s always a big concern.)

I think I’m saying and doing the right things to help him. But I feel so lost and unfocused myself.

Adam is likely going to start a training program next month for medical assisting. I think it will be a good fit for what she wants to do.

And then Amy moves out in about three weeks.

I went from thinking all my kids were going to be home forever to suddenly realizing they’re all getting ready to be on their own at once. And it’s more than a little weird. There wasn’t anything gradual about this, which I think just compounds the feeling of overwhelm that I’m getting.

What do I want to do with the rest of my life? Should I try to get my master’s degree and become a therapist? I don’t even know if I could handle the course work anymore.

Should I try to ramp up my writing career? Should I finally start my business?

Right now, it’s all I can do to get out of bed. I don’t feel like I have enough “spoons” to pursue anything greater.

I can’t let my lack of spoons determine my whole future. I still have so much that I want to do with my life. But at the same time, I also feel like the past few years have really taken a toll on me and I’ve never let myself grieve for the life I thought I would have when all my kids were doing their own things.

I can’t really let myself grieve that for too long, though, because in the meantime, this is what my life really is. I have to find something to give my life meaning now because I’ve spent the past 23 years living for my kids. Now I’m free but with lots of limitations. What will be next for me?

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