Day one

My husband and I took our youngest to A&M yesterday to move in.

It was absolutely grueling for all of us. Dylan got heat exhaustion. I worried a lot about J. We had to park practically as far away from the dorm as humanly possible and it was super unbearably hot.

But we got him there and got him all moved in. We also took him to a grocery store and bought some food for him.

I think he’s having a tough time tonight for a variety of reasons. For one thing, his roommate won’t be arriving until Saturday because he has Covid. (It was a breakthrough case since he was vaccinated.) To be honest, I’m really hoping my husband and I weren’t exposed today too.

I know Dylan’s a bit lonely and it was a very emotional day. I really, really hope he makes some friends or at least finds friendly people before his roommate arrives.

I also know he’s really feeling a lot of pressure, not least of which is because the program he’s in is very, very competitive. Their engineering program is ranked #11 in the country, as I’m sure I’ve mentioned a few (million) times.

On the drive there, after he got out his initial (understandable) crying about leaving home, he also talked a lot about his worries. Like that his cat will die while he’s gone.

And more importantly, his worry that my husband will die before he graduates. He even asked me if I thought he should go to community college instead and live at home because he doesn’t want to be far away if my husband only has a few years left.

And man, I really can’t imagine the kind of pressure he’s feeling. I can’t imagine being just 18 and feeling like you have the weight of the world on your shoulders.

It’s tough because he got accepted to this program and got full grants for his first year and he also has a semester of credits knocked out of the way already due to all his AP credits. The time really is right for him to go for this…but I can also see how in many ways, it seems like it’s not.

He wants to make a career doing things to help people with cancer—or at least to make their lives better.

But he’s also mindful of the fact that I might not be okay when my husband passes.

I just feel so sad for him, carrying all this weight on his shoulders.

And honestly, I also miss him already. I’m sure things will look brighter once we’ve all had some sleep and he explores the campus more. But it just suddenly strikes me as so cosmically unfair that he has to make these decisions now.

I hope my husband will live long enough to see him graduate and his cat won’t die while he’s away at school. I wish that many minor miracles for him.

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