Wins and losses

The win: I got my husband a heating pad yesterday and he slept at least 4.5 hours in bed. (I’m writing this while he’s still asleep, so it’s still unknown how he’ll do the rest of the night.)

The losses: Well, for one thing, I’m not sure if going up on the Pristiq is still helping. I’m excessively sleepy again and don’t have the same degree of motivation I had to get shit done even last week. And I still haven’t had the motivation to write anything for Medium.

On the down side, my youngest leaves for college in five days. I’m kind of freaking out a lot about that but am trying not to show it to him. I’m letting him know that I care, of course, and that I’m really going to miss him, but I’m not trying to be too overwrought about it in his presence. On the plus side, he’s been giving me lots of hugs lately, which are always welcome.

My husband and I were talking yesterday and he said that people always tell him how brave he is for going through with the cancer treatment. He doesn’t see it as bravery but just something he has to do.

While I know being the spouse of someone with stage IV cancer can’t possibly compare with what he has to go through, at the same time, I wish that just once, someone would think about what I have to go through. Not only am I completely powerless to help him when he’s suffering but I am also going to have to learn how to go on without him.

We’ve always said that for either one of us to live without the other would be like losing a limb. And I’m going to have to go through that and somehow still be okay.

I hope it’s still years away but in the meantime, I don’t really know how to live, either. Just knowing what’s on the horizon for me really makes it hard to fight against depression and to have hope for the future.