No, unfortunately, that’s not how I’m feeling right now. My husband is sleeping on the couch again because he’s in so much pain and my youngest is leaving for school in 8 days.
Instead, I read an article in the New York Times (I can’t figure out how to link it here and you have to be a subscriber to read it anyway) about a woman in Scotland who doesn’t feel pain or anxiety. Big Pharma is supposedly studying her to find out if her case yields any clues that could provide treatments, which honestly sounds like it could have some pretty scary applications.
Part of the cause of her inability to feel pain or anxiety is a genetic mutation related to how her body processes endocannabinoids—the chemical that makes marijuana work for pain.
Considering that my husband could get approved for medical use of low-THC marijuana (as could I, because both spasticity and incurable neurological illnesses qualify), I found that fascinating.
I do know that I have a much higher than average pain tolerance, though. I’ve had cavities filled without Novocain before and gave birth to a 10-lb baby without an epidural. I’ve been told that I should be in more pain than I am due to my neurological illnesses.
But I obviously do still feel pain and I definitely feel anxiety. (In fact, I feel a great deal of anxiety, especially now.)
Would I want to give up all pain and anxiety if it also meant (as was the case with the woman in Scotland) that I could never feel an adrenaline rush, either? I don’t honestly know.
I do know that lately I feel like I would give anything to just be unfazed and numb, particularly in terms of my husband’s death (whenever that may be.) I’ve come to terms with the fact that it is going to happen and I don’t know how to carry on from here.
Meditation helps somewhat. But I am clearly still immensely impacted by it, to the point that I can’t do any creative writing now.
Would I trade any of this anxiety to feel a bit less? Maybe. I can’t honestly say.