I don’t know if the pandemic is affecting my ability to write or not but it is really getting to me in general.
I talked to my therapist yesterday about my inability to write and she asked if anything preceded it. I guess there was, in a way, though I don’t know how much I’m still affected by it.
One of the last articles I wrote was how and why to apologize to your kids. I ended up deleting the article. I wrote about my own parenting fails rather than my mom’s. But I gave her the heads up that one of the things I mentioned was that if you (as the parent) repeatedly deny that you said something, it can cause your kids to distrust their own memories and perceptions.
My mom didn’t react well to that and opted not to read my article. She also didn’t talk to me for over a week because she was upset.
On the one hand, that tells me that maybe I shouldn’t be seeking her approval on what I write. Yes, previously she was being very emotionally supportive and saying really encouraging things, but I obviously found the limit of that.
I still don’t know what to write, though, because all I can think about is the pandemic and how afraid it makes me for my husband. I’m glad that the CDC just announced booster shots for the immune-compromised.
He also said he has a “gut feeling” that it won’t be Covid that gets him. He never has gut feelings about anything so I’m more inclined to take that seriously.
But at the same time, everything about the pandemic is making me downright angry. Not only that so many people don’t even think about or care about people like him but because we’ve now proven that we’re not going to get this virus under control.
That means that we can’t do a lot of the things together that we wanted to, especially now that our nest will be mostly empty. We can’t go to concerts or travel or really even go out to eat.
I don’t know if it will ever be any different while he’s alive, either. And suddenly I am just so mad at all the jackasses who think that even wearing a mask is too much to ask of them. They’re stealing my final years with my husband and I am so, so sad and angry about that.