I’m not feeling great about my parenting today. Both Amy and Dylan took me to task for two different ways that I’ve recently handled things with them.
Amy was first and she told me that I was overwhelming her with links of things to buy for her apartment. She’s moving out in about a month and so far, doesn’t have much. She approved of me getting her a set of cookware and some baking pans the other day.
But what she said was too much was asking about dishes or knives. She said she wants to research them first, discuss them with her boyfriend, and wants to do a lot of her shopping in person. I agreed not to show her any more links of things I’d offer to buy for her. She is very independent and really isn’t comfortable with receiving gifts, even of things she genuinely needs, so I need to back off.
I think we mostly got everything straightened out but I admit that it still hurt my feelings to be told that I was too overzealous. I guess that’s a problem of mine, since I was too overzealous when Adam came out as transgender, too. (I prefer to think of myself as “aggressively helpful,” lol.)
Then, Dylan told me that he was upset that I didn’t even ask him if he wanted to have oral surgery to remove his wisdom teeth. He took me to task for not researching enough whether it was possible to get them removed too early, as he thinks his may have been removed too early. (I researched it after he said that and no, he probably did not have them removed too early.)
He also said that I should have let him know what the potential side effects of tylenol with codeine and ibuprofen were before he took them. I guess I probably should have.
I told him that dentists always say that kids need their wisdom teeth out around age 18 and I’ve never questioned that. He rightfully pointed out that dentists always say that kids need braces, too, and we questioned that because my husband had long-term damage to his jaw resulting from wearing braces.
I also told him that I did do a lot of research, particularly on whether it would be safe for him to have it done by a traveling oral surgeon who came to our dentist’s office, since that’s kind of an unusual circumstance. I did a great deal of research on how to keep him safe during the procedure, particularly regarding the anesthesia.
But I just didn’t know to research whether or not it was possible to have them removed too early. Instead, I was letting my decision be guided a lot by J’s coworker, who didn’t have them removed until his 30s and had a lot of complications. Dylan said I shouldn’t have relied so much on anecdotal evidence, and I guess he was right.
Then I said that part of why I thought of having it done this year, rather than waiting until next year, is because I don’t know how long we’ll have dental insurance. Whenever J dies, we will probably lose it, unless I find a way to pay for a private plan. I finally saw Dylan’s expression change and become less angry when I said that, and he said that if we had talked about it, he might have decided to have it done this year anyway.
Parenting is just one of those things where sometimes you don’t get everything right, no matter how hard you try. In both the cases with Amy and Dylan, I was trying really hard to do the right things. I did tell them I wanted them to talk to me when I messed up and I’m glad they felt that they could do so. But it still sucks that I messed up anyway.