The merry-go-round of mental health meds

I’m supposed to have two appointments tomorrow related to my mental health meds. One is with UTSW and I didn’t have a great experience with them before, so we’ll see if this time is any better.

I know that I need to start exercising again and that it will likely improve my mental health to do so. It would also be nice if it enables me to start losing weight, since I generally only eat dinner and a smoothie every day and my weight isn’t budging much. I swear that I don’t generally even feel hungry until dinner time. This seems like the weight should just be falling off of me and it’s not, though it’s possible that I’m not eating enough.

I’m still on the path of trying to taper off Pristiq and Abilify, and allegedly onto Zoloft. I’m taking the Zoloft again, though I’m not sure why. I guess I’m hoping that it will make it easier to discontinue the Pristiq and Abilify.

Of course, I’ve now decided that I need to stop taking my Klonopin before bed, too. I only take 1 mg a day and I know a lot of people take much more. But I tried cutting back to .75 mg last night and had terrible insomnia. I need to wake up earlier than normal to get to my appointments on time tomorrow, and then I have to get up much earlier than normal the day after that to get my son to an early morning appointment.

So I guess I will wait on tapering off the Klonopin as well. But I really don’t want to—I’ve finally discovered that the Klonopin and Abilify are both responsible for why I always feel so sleepy. I just want to feel normal and have usual energy levels again.

I’m also pretty sure that I’m getting the early signs of tardive dyskinesia, since I have regular episodes when my arms and legs shake for no reason. And often the pain in my legs keeps me from napping when I need to.

But the problem is that neither Abilify nor Klonopin are going to be easy to stop taking. They will both likely require months of tapering down, even though I’m on such low doses of both.

I hate that the psych community has so little to offer me. I hate that the psych community assumes that one of these drugs will work for me. With the exception of the time when I was on 5mg of Abilify (when I felt FABULOUS but I spent money very irresponsibly), no mental health drugs have ever helped me. By now, I’ve tried almost all of them, and they all just never work for me.

I acknowledge that they do work for some people, which is why I’m not more anti-meds than I am. But they just don’t work for me at all and I’ve given up the hope that I’ll find one that does.

I just want my normal brain back (broken though it may be.) I can learn how to live with my depression. After all, I did it for many years.

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