Yesterday was the first day that I can think of in a long time that I didn’t wake up to a text from my husband.
We don’t sleep during the same hours (something I continue to feel vaguely guilty about) and he always sends me a text before I wake up. Yesterday he didn’t, due to a number of factors that ultimately weren’t a big deal in the scope of things.
But it really rattled me nonetheless. I’m sure there have been other occasions when he didn’t send me a good morning text but it’s been a long time.
It rattled me, of course, because it reminds me that one day he’s not going to be here anymore and there will be no more good morning texts again, ever.
I don’t know why it’s happening now all of a sudden but I just feel the weight of the fact that he really is going to die. This is not just some bad dream that I’ll someday wake up from. This is really his reality (and mine, too.)
I have no creative energy for anything else lately. It’s all I can do just to keep up with my freelance work. I keep thinking about other ventures I want to put my time into and none of them seem important at all.
He also got the results of his CT scan a day early and they did not show much shrinkage compared to the last one. He’ll probably have to start back on the oxaliplatin again, which had some miserable side effects.
Maybe the oxaliplatin will get him back to a state of being NED again. I definitely got spoiled for all his results coming back so good because now they’re not anymore.
He also mentioned that his oncologist thinks that his cancer is “chemo-resistant,” which I don’t know if I already knew. I think I knew about it in the sense that it was theoretically possible but not with such certainty that this is what he’s dealing with.
I wonder if he’ll ever get back to NED status again. I wonder if he’ll live long enough to see our youngest graduate from college.
I don’t want to be thinking about any of this. But I already tried not thinking about it and it wasn’t too successful.
I don’t know if or when these feelings will pass. I just feel like all I can do these days is mourn the fact that I really am going to lose my husband. My everything. My whole world, literally.
I feel like I need to snap out of this soon so that I can enjoy whatever time we have together, be it two years or ten. But first I need to really accept and mourn that our best days are probably already behind us, and that just makes me feel so sad both for him and for us. It really wasn’t supposed to be this way.