Things I can’t control

Well, the list of things I can’t control is indeed pretty long, and most of the time, I’m okay with that. I’ve confronted the reality that I can’t control a lot of things and for the most part, that has significantly brought down the control freak tendencies I used to have when I was younger.

But this coronavirus is something else altogether. I’ve been realizing that my mental health is not doing so well lately and I’ve looked at possible causes.

Is it maybe because I’m slowly tapering down on one antidepressant? Or maybe because I still can’t get off Abilify? Maybe my hormones are out of whack, thanks to perimenopause.

Then an idea occurred to me yesterday: maybe there is no good way to feel mentally strong and healthy right now. That might not be a realistic expectation of myself.

I’m waiting on my husband’s CT results (which he should get Monday) to know if his cancer is responding to treatment. I would say that in itself is reason for anxiety.

Then there’s the news about the Delta variant of the Covid vaccine. Apparently it doesn’t matter a whole lot that we got vaccinated because he still might get infected anyway. And unlike last year, when the virus was still new but much less virulent than it is now, my husband still has to go into the office every day.

So, no, I’m not doing particularly well right now. I haven’t been motivated to write anything for Medium in over a week. I still have tons of crap to list on eBay and lots of things in the house that I want to clean up.

Also, my youngest son is one of my closest friends and he’s leaving for college in three weeks.

Maybe the fact that I spend most nights just numbed out on TV is the best I can do right now and I need to stop expecting more of myself.

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