My friend that I wrote about yesterday and I are both being kinda weird around each other now. I’ve known him for so long that I don’t think this situation will be permanent. But I suspect that he’s pulling back to prevent himself from getting “all in his feelings,” as the kids say. And I’m doing the same.
We both talked a lot about how we have past histories of falling in love with people too easily, and I can see how that might affect our actions in terms of sharply pulling back. We also honestly probably talked about too much in another conversation after I wrote the other post. It turns out that we are extremely sexually compatible, probably even more so than with our spouses.
Sex is just one small part of what makes up a marriage. While it can be exciting to think of other possibilities, really no good can come of flirting with it when you’re in a committed relationship. I should have stopped before it got to that point and I didn’t. But I stopped before it was irreversible and that’s important.
Fortunately we didn’t say or do anything super inappropriate (like exchanging nudes or making it more personal, like what we’d do to each other.) We just talked about the kinds of things we’re into and there was a lot of overlap. But that was still too much.
A point he made is that you can enjoy the feeling of being in love with someone without letting it go too far. It’s sort of a “catch and release” type of philosophy. While I’m theoretically happy to know that my life won’t end when J dies, he deserves my whole heart now while he is still here.
Still, sometimes, there are things that you’re better off not knowing about and this is probably in that category. I inadvertently opened a Pandora’s Box when I told my friend that I’d been having dreams about him and now we both have to close that box again. It’s very clear that leaving it open will only bring pain and destruction. (And I’ve learned a lesson about sending those kinds of messages!)
And while I can see the point of that “catch and release” philosophy, I don’t think it’s for me. I recognize that I also have the same tendencies to fall in love easily, but for me, that’s a door that has to remain tightly closed.
I choose to love one person above all else (other than my kids and such.) I am not good at balancing divided attentions and my husband inherently deserves better than that. At least, I’ve finally grown up enough to recognize that and to pull back before it goes too far.