I did get the bonus for being one of the most-read writers at Medium last month. Of course, now I don’t know if I can do it again.
I just wrote an article there last night about how I feel about my kids growing up. To be honest, I don’t know if it will even be curated and selected for wider distribution like most of my pieces are.
But I just suddenly feel the weight of the fact that my youngest is leaving for college next month.
It’s funny in a way because I never expected to be the kind of parent who gave up everything for her kids. Yes, I gave up my career, though I wasn’t always good at giving up everything else.
By all accounts, they’ve all turned out to be really great kids. But the fact of them all reaching adulthood reminds me that my time to fix my mistakes is long gone.
It also reminds me that from here on out, I’ll only be a peripheral figure at best in their lives. That’s just the way life works.
But I also feel lonely. I’m acutely aware that my husband won’t always be around (probably because it’s another chemo weekend for him, which always makes me feel more unsettled.)
My future without kids at home looks much different than I used to think it did, just because my husband won’t be around to enjoy many decades of it with me.
I wish someone would give me a big hug and tell me everything is going to be okay.