Anxiety creeping back in

I don’t know why I’m feeling anxious again. Ever since my first micro-dosing experience, I’ve felt a lot less worried about my husband’s health and have assumed that he’ll be around, at least until his health takes a turn for the worse. But he’s not there yet.

Still, I got to thinking and researching tonight about what happens to his student loans after he dies. I got locked out of the account to look up what his private loan balance is. I know that his federal student loans will be forgiven and I most likely won’t have to pay taxes on that, which is good. But I can’t figure out what will happen to his private loans and don’t remember the total (just that I think it’s a lot.)

I also had a dream yesterday in which my husband brought me a coffee from Starbucks, but we were clearly back in Michigan. I decided I didn’t want a coffee from Starbucks but one that you can only find at a coffee shop here.

So I set out on this ridiculously arduous journey that had me running—literally running, because apparently in my dreams I can do things I can’t in real life—through the streets of Dallas, trying to get back to the coffee shop I wanted.

Interestingly, this was also a dream that had a soundtrack and I woke up with that song in my head. It was an old AFI song that I used to really like. I’m not sure if that had any significance or not. It was just very noteworthy that my dream had a soundtrack since they usually don’t.

I told J about the dream and he said it was like a re-enactment of when I moved down here in 2014. The anniversary of when he and the kids were able to join me here was just the other day, interestingly enough. And indeed, at that time, I was figuratively running back to Texas to find things I could only get here.

I also think it was yet another dream telling me not to leave here and go back to Michigan. I admit that I’ve been thinking about that again more often lately. I still feel like this is home. But I’m also not very sure that I can afford to make it here on my own, either.

The truth is that I’m not that great at managing my money. I want to be and it’s like there’s some secret to it that I don’t know. I sure hope I figure it out so that moving back to Michigan doesn’t become financially necessary. I really don’t want to be there.

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