Balancing

First of all, the Texas electricity council is saying we could have power outages due to the (very normal, happens every year) high temperatures and demand for electricity. Just like in February with the catastrophic winter storms but now in normal summer weather, too.

When I first heard that, my thoughts were literally, “what the fuck, Texas? Do you really want me to leave that badly?” There is absolutely zero reason this should be happening again, or even a threat of it. This state needs to get its shit together in a big way.

I’m hopeful that we’ll vote out the governor next year and vote in someone who will fix the power grid. Because honestly, if we don’t, I don’t see how I can stay here, despite the fact that it feels like home. I literally feel like I’m being forced out. I’d probably just move to Oklahoma City after my husband dies (which I still hope will be a long way off.)

He objected to a lot of the ways I characterized him in a recent post. He said he’s not resistant to therapy, as evidenced by the fact that he made one appointment for counseling at the hospital several months ago (which didn’t work out for scheduling reasons and he didn’t follow up on.)

He also correctly pointed out that I haven’t had great experiences with therapists, and he said that he’s going to deal with his suppressed anger on his own at some unspecified future date through meditation.

I’m all for trying to treat things yourself if you can. I’ve found reading books by psychologists to be especially helpful and to be honest, it’s how I’ve made most of my changes. Even my husband would likely agree that I’ve made a great deal of progress over the years and I did it on my own.

But to be honest, part of me wonders if he ever really will. I’m resigned to the possibility that he may not and may go to his grave still suffering from the weight of all that unhealed trauma. And I’m so sad for him because it doesn’t have to be that way.

I also feel bad that my kids have never learned a healthy expression of anger, only witnessed how to suppress it. At least, I am grateful that I am trying to discuss it with them in a healthier way. They now understand that it should have been modeled for them how to deal with anger appropriately and I think they’re each on their own paths to learning it, with my help (and professional help) when applicable.

But that doesn’t change the fact of how I feel about all this. I’m very afraid that my husband’s entire life will be spent living with that suppressed rage. Yes, sometimes it affects me, in that I don’t always feel free to express anger myself.

It is probably the biggest shortcoming in our marriage and will probably never be fixed. That makes me so sad—not for myself and the kids, but for him. I even think it’s likely, based on things I’ve read, to actually shorten his lifespan if he doesn’t deal with it. But I can’t make him deal with it and that makes me feel so helpless.

We had a conversation yesterday about how his cancer treatment and surgeries have affected our sex life and that also made me profoundly sad. Basically, he said (paraphrasing, which I’ll probably get wrong) that every year, he’s going to lose more functions.

And I just really don’t want to watch him decline. I know I don’t get an alternative option. But I just want things to go back like they used to be and they never will. That sucks more than I can say.

1 Comment

  1. Hugs. Him having cancer is a very valid reason to feel angry, for him and you both. There’s also losses you both are trying to face, which is very difficult. Sending you, him and your children compassion.

    As for the texas infrastructure, I really hope there’s political and financial will to sort out what’s needed to build resilience in the power grid.

    Liked by 1 person

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