In case anyone reading this actually wanted an update after yesterday’s post full of doom: it wasn’t the end.
I realized shortly after I finished writing that post that I had forgotten to take my Abilify in a week or so. I took it and those feelings went away.
I find it really pretty scary that one medication is that powerful. I don’t honestly know how I’ll ever be able to stop taking it.
My arm still hurts, though. I had my visit with my neurologist and she prescribed lidocaine patches, which did absolutely nothing. She also referred me for a test called an EMG, which will determine the extent of my nerve damage and may determine whether or not that’s what’s causing it.
If it turns out that it is caused by damage to my peripheral nerves, there’s nothing that can really be done. There are a couple of medications I can try for treating nerve pain specifically, but they all carry a fairly high risk of weight gain and sleepiness. Given the fact that I already sleep a lot, taking something that will make me even sleepier doesn’t sound good.
She also said that she did discuss my case with her colleagues (since they work at a teaching hospital) and none of them had ever seen a brain MRI that looked like mine before. I’m truly a medical mystery, which is not as awesome as it might seem.
On a different note, I did ask my husband about what my mom said, about whether he wants me to be more optimistic and hopeful about his cancer. Fortunately, he said no. He thinks that doing so falls into “toxic positivity” because it doesn’t acknowledge the reality of what he’s facing. That makes me so sad because it is the reality he’s facing but I tend to agree with him.
We don’t spend every minute thinking about his cancer and we try to make things as normal as we can. But as he put it, we know he is going to die from this, whether in one year or ten years. Pretending he might not is just unrealistic.
On yet another note, I did manage to get my hands on some things to try micro-dosing and I’ll probably take the first one tomorrow. My daughter has already tried it and survived and seemed very normal, so I’m not expecting anything radical. I think, if anything, I’m just afraid that it won’t work and that I’ll be underwhelmed by the results.
I do find that in general, I’m getting more curious as time goes on about the whole thing. It just seems like altering my consciousness might help me cope better with my current reality.
Not what I expected to be doing at almost 50 (gulp!!) but let’s face it: nothing about my life is how it to be (for both good and bad.)