Is this the end?

I don’t know what’s up with this but I’ve had this panicked feeling for at least a week that I’m about to die.

The thing is that I very much don’t want to die, so it’s not that I’m suicidal. If it’s a panic attack, I’ve never experienced one that has lasted so long and been so relentless before. I also have anti-anxiety meds and they’re not relieving this feeling.

Part of it might be due to health anxiety, since I mentioned the other day that I’ve had this intense pain and weakness in my left arm for about four months and it’s not going away.

I have an appointment tomorrow with my neurologist and of course, I’m going to ask her about this. The appointment is just by telehealth, so maybe she’ll ask me to come in and be examined in person. I hope she will.

I don’t know what it would take to convince me that I’m not actually dying. Maybe this is just a reaction to the news of what my diagnoses are. Maybe my diseases really are progressing rapidly, like it feels like they are.

Or who knows? Maybe all of this is just psychological. If it is just psychological, I really wish it would stop. Feeling afraid to go to sleep because I don’t know if I’ll wake up tomorrow really isn’t fun.

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