Getting a crazy hippie idea

In truth, this has been on my radar for quite a while now but I just haven’t known what to do about it. I still don’t.

I want to experiment with psychedelic drugs. I’m kinda laughing about saying that but I’m also totally, 100 percent serious.

It’s kinda funny because I easily could have obtained them when I was young, but now I have absolutely no idea how to get them, short of buying cryptocurrency, getting a VPN, and going on the dark web. And though I say that like it’s no big deal, I still wouldn’t actually know how to even do that much. (But I’d bet that my 23-year-old computer genius of a daughter could show me how.)

In my younger years, I was always deathly afraid of psychedelic drugs (though I had fun messing with friends while they were tripping…yes, I was a bit of a shit.) But in recent years, I’ve read a lot of mainstream stuff about how transformative psychedelics can be, particularly for people with treatment-resistant depression and especially in micro-doses.

To the casual reader, I’m sure this may sound like I’ve gone off the deep end. But I assure you that the truth is anything but radical. I don’t want to get high and honestly, I’m still afraid of “tripping.” There is no “party” element to this at all and I very rarely even drink.

Yet I’m also open-minded enough that I’m willing to consider something that might actually be more effective in treating my depression than my antidepressant medication. My depression is not being managed very well by my medications anymore and I can’t increase my dosage any further.

Mushrooms are apparently much easier to obtain than LSD, but they are also more likely to interact negatively with antidepressants. My particular antidepressant is one that you can’t quit taking very easily and there’s some reporting that says that mushrooms might not be effective if you’ve ever taken an antidepressant.

But this all comes back to the question of where and how to obtain drugs anyway. I’d know how to get a hold of marijuana but frankly I never liked it much. My kids are not deviants like I was at their ages, so they don’t have those same kinds of sketchy connections that I once did.

I know that writers like Michael Pollan and Ayelet Waldman have written positively about their own experiences with microdosing LSD. I would really like to try it and see if it would help me, too. But they left out the part about how they obtained it.

That means that I’m still left in the somewhat unfortunate position of not knowing where or how to get it. Apparently, I’m not enough of a “hippie” to even know how to do this.

That’s the problem with being a normal-looking middle-aged mom in the suburbs: life is so safe that when you want to walk on the wild side a bit, you can’t even find the path to get there anymore.


  1. skinnyhobbit says:

    Not crazy. I’ve seen the studies too. And if mushrooms don’t work, a legal variant of ketamine has been used for treatment resistant depression. My country even approved it even when marijuana gets folks a jail term.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Holly says:

      I don’t know if I should try mushrooms or not. It’s not known for sure how they would interact with antidepressants but most of what I’ve read just suggests that the mushrooms would be less effective.

      Ketamine for depression is also legal here and the hospital I go through uses it but it’s really, really expensive. But I have a referral to the social worker affiliated with my neurologist’s practice and we’ll see if she refers me when I tell her my antidepressant isn’t working well anymore.

      I guess if all else fails, I can ask my daughter to show me how to get on the dark web 😉

      Liked by 1 person

      1. skinnyhobbit says:

        I hope you do get referred and that insurance will cover it. ❤❤

        Liked by 1 person

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