I ended up quitting my part-time grading job. It was just ultimately a lot more than I could handle, even though it makes me feel incredibly pathetic to say so. I do feel better already, though.
I texted my mom to share my latest article I wrote for Medium and we got to chatting for a bit. I told her that I was having a really hard time dealing with my limitations lately and she was so kind and encouraging.
She told me that I have been through so much and that I’m so strong, even if I feel like I’m not. That was really helpful and just the thing I needed to hear. I wonder if this means she’ll be more emotionally supportive when I need it or if that will still remain inconsistent. I guess I’ll just take it as it is and see what happens.
I wrote two more articles for Medium in the past two days, which is a welcome sign that my inability to write last week was probably only because of the extra toll that the part-time job was taking on me.
I know that from a strictly financial sense, the part-time job was certainly more of a sure thing and therefore smarter. But I’m also (very, very reluctantly) learning to recognize my limitations. Hopefully, at some point, I’ll be able to recognize my limitations in advance, before I take on something that’s more than I can handle.
But for now, all I can seem to do is my regular freelancing and writing articles for Medium. Writing the articles for Medium may never make me rich but it makes me feel like my life still has purpose. I still have things that I want to say and I can still convey them in a well-written manner.
Is it really okay that all I can do is so little? I guess that question is kind of moot, since it’s all I seem to be capable of anyway. But maybe I’ll start to feel like I can give myself permission to relax. That would admittedly feel really nice, to not be putting so much pressure on myself.
It’s kind of funny: I have lost so much in terms of my abilities, but I still have the ability to write well, just the same as I always did. For now, I’m taking that as a victory, especially at a time when it otherwise feels like my victories are few.