Last night, I slept even more than the night before—16 hours. I seemed to have no control over it, either.
I sent a message to my neurologist to see if she had any helpful information to tell me but I’m still waiting for her response.
To be honest, it kind of makes me feel afraid to go to sleep again. What if I just don’t wake up?
On the one hand, if I don’t wake up, I won’t have to deal with all the heartbreak and grief that is still waiting in my future. I fully believe I’d just be at eternal peace and not have to worry anymore.
But on the other hand, I’m not actively suicidal, so it just scares me more than anything. I do want to still be around, even despite the heartbreaks in my future. My kids will need me here. I think my husband would be heartbroken and even more worried if I died before he did.
At times like this, if I really admit it (I usually try not to), my illness scares me a lot. I don’t know if this excessive sleeping all of a sudden is a harbinger of something worse on the horizon. I also don’t know when it’s going to stop and I can function like a normal adult again.
I feel completely trapped and bewildered by my illness and I have no idea how to stop it. There’s no cure and even the powerful medicine I take to help me stay awake isn’t really working.
I just want to be normal and functional again.